1•1•2 April 22, 2011 on Flickr.
This is one of my favorite photos of me, which is odd, because it’s only my hand.  When this photo was taken I was in a creativity workshop, in the spring of 2011.  The workshop was crucial in reawakening myself as an artist, something that I had sidelined for years.
I suffered some blows in my personal and creative life in the summer of 2010, and looking back on it now, I am glad that I did.  Going through one of the hardest times in my life forced me to examine areas where I had become comfortable or complacent - and my creativity was something that I had let slip.  I simply had settled into a rhythm where I didn’t even realize that I wasn’t being creative any more.  I didn’t even describe myself as an artist.
This workshop helped change that.  Over the course of three weeks I was reminded that I had skills, and more than that, something to offer.  
Since then I’ve transitioned to someone that identifies first as an artist, and no longer shies away from sharing my creativity with others.  I am beyond glad that I decided to put myself out on a limb - even without realizing it - to reawaken a part of myself that I didn’t realize had been asleep.

1•1•2 April 22, 2011 on Flickr.

This is one of my favorite photos of me, which is odd, because it’s only my hand.  When this photo was taken I was in a creativity workshop, in the spring of 2011.  The workshop was crucial in reawakening myself as an artist, something that I had sidelined for years.

I suffered some blows in my personal and creative life in the summer of 2010, and looking back on it now, I am glad that I did.  Going through one of the hardest times in my life forced me to examine areas where I had become comfortable or complacent - and my creativity was something that I had let slip.  I simply had settled into a rhythm where I didn’t even realize that I wasn’t being creative any more.  I didn’t even describe myself as an artist.

This workshop helped change that.  Over the course of three weeks I was reminded that I had skills, and more than that, something to offer.  

Since then I’ve transitioned to someone that identifies first as an artist, and no longer shies away from sharing my creativity with others.  I am beyond glad that I decided to put myself out on a limb - even without realizing it - to reawaken a part of myself that I didn’t realize had been asleep.

erikamegan365:

August 26, 2013 • Megan

Today was awesome.  
I don’t get to practice being an aunt that often.  There’s various reasons for that, but even though I heartily enjoy my time as an aunt, it’s rare that I get to spend more than the few rare hours acting like one.  So when I got the opportunity to spend a few hours taking my little nephew to Disneyland today, I jumped at it.
I’ve never taking a child this tiny to Disneyland - it’s a very unique experience.  I got to see his love of dinosaurs as he roared through the grand canyon, his constant quest to point out “Ma Mouse” (aka Mickey) everywhere he saw a mouse, how excited he was to see everything in Toon Town and his absolute awe when he stood three feet from Lightning McQueen as he drove past.  I got to spoil him with chocolate ice cream and run with him through the park.
I love being an aunt.  I really hope I can do it more often.

erikamegan365:

August 26, 2013 • Megan

Today was awesome.  

I don’t get to practice being an aunt that often.  There’s various reasons for that, but even though I heartily enjoy my time as an aunt, it’s rare that I get to spend more than the few rare hours acting like one.  So when I got the opportunity to spend a few hours taking my little nephew to Disneyland today, I jumped at it.

I’ve never taking a child this tiny to Disneyland - it’s a very unique experience.  I got to see his love of dinosaurs as he roared through the grand canyon, his constant quest to point out “Ma Mouse” (aka Mickey) everywhere he saw a mouse, how excited he was to see everything in Toon Town and his absolute awe when he stood three feet from Lightning McQueen as he drove past.  I got to spoil him with chocolate ice cream and run with him through the park.

I love being an aunt.  I really hope I can do it more often.

July 25

I’ve written about it before, but July has kind of a stigma for me.  For the past decade-ish if negative things are going to happen to or around me, they happen in July.  It has caused me to go into metaphorical ostrich mode and just try to power through July until August 1 hits.

Last year on July 25 - well it was a really awful evening.  I don’t like to think about it actually.  But flash forward a year, and I actually had a really great day today.  I received some great feedback that I didn’t expect and I was simply shocked by it.

July still isn’t done, but what a difference a year makes.

I hate revisiting this feeling.
Day Two Zero Eight: July 27, 2010 (by mrbosslady)

I hate revisiting this feeling.

Day Two Zero Eight: July 27, 2010 (by mrbosslady)

Secrets

I sat down at the table.  The mood was palpable, heavy.  One of those moods that felt like could be dug at with a spoon.  I didn’t know why it was like that.  I didn’t know why I’d been called downstairs.

My parents seemed still and stiff.  They were staring at me too hard.

I looked to my older brother, sitting across the table from me.  Misery radiated from him.  It was a strange shift from earlier - he’d sat at dinner like he didn’t have a care in the world.  I felt like this was a big moment, one that would stand out - but I didn’t know why.

That’s when I noticed his hand.  His left hand.  The ring finger was encircled with something that hadn’t been there earlier - a plain gold band.  An unoffensive ring that was offensive in it’s presence.  A ring that changed everything.

Everything felt like it was starting to crack underneath me.  I had been pushed.  I was falling and I couldn’t stop.

He began to speak, but his lips didn’t seem to match the words I was hearing.  He said he got married, that he’d been married for two weeks.  He told me I was an aunt.  He told me I had a sister.  He told me I was his best friend.

I told him to stop talking.

I asked him why he didn’t tell his best friend he was dating someone.  I asked him why he didn’t tell his best friend he got married.

He told me he kept secrets because he loved me.

1•8•4 July 3, 2012 (by mrbosslady)
July 3 is not a great day.  In fact, the whole month of July is kind of wretched for me and it all started seven years ago.  I almost lost a brother on July 3, which then led to another horrible revelation and rift in out relationship. But that wasn’t so bad.  It didn’t ruin July for me.
And then July 3 came around the next year and my younger brother almost died.  He spent two weeks in the hospital, and I was with him every day, and then almost a year recovering.
That’s when I really began to dislike that week in July.  Starting on the 3rd my whole psyche would clench and I couldn’t unwind, petrified something would happen.
I worked really hard to try and make July something that didn’t stress me out any more.  But the stress, the fear persisted for awhile.
The feelings were beginning to fade a bit until 2010.  My older brother, the one who almost died first, was undergoing some ongoing health issues.  Our relationship had never quite recovered, but I was trying.  I thought things were looking up.  And we were almost out of July - when he suddenly slammed the whole family with news.  News that he had betrayed us, lied to us and generally slapped us all in the face.
I’m going to be honest.  I broke a little.  For the first time I truly experienced rock bottom - or at least what it meant for me at that time.  But July, the whole month, was really poisoned for me then.  Not just the beginning, but the whole month.  July 27, 2010 clenched it.  I haven’t been able to turn back since.  But I’m still trying, even now, to redeem July and hope something truly wonderful will happen that begins to counter all the memories of the pain with the memories of good.
The one bright spot I always had in July, even with all the pain, was San Diego Comic-Con.  I loved going there, once a year and feeling like I did have a corner in the world - town where everyone was like me.  It helped.  But this year I don’t have that.  I can’t go.  I don’t have tickets and couldn’t afford it any way.
So yesterday I went to San Diego to try to get through July 3 and I decided to make a wish.  It’s more of a promise and a prayer than a wish, but I made it.  And I can only hope that God will be faithful and one day I will love the month of July again.

1•8•4 July 3, 2012 (by mrbosslady)

July 3 is not a great day.  In fact, the whole month of July is kind of wretched for me and it all started seven years ago.  I almost lost a brother on July 3, which then led to another horrible revelation and rift in out relationship. But that wasn’t so bad.  It didn’t ruin July for me.

And then July 3 came around the next year and my younger brother almost died.  He spent two weeks in the hospital, and I was with him every day, and then almost a year recovering.

That’s when I really began to dislike that week in July.  Starting on the 3rd my whole psyche would clench and I couldn’t unwind, petrified something would happen.

I worked really hard to try and make July something that didn’t stress me out any more.  But the stress, the fear persisted for awhile.

The feelings were beginning to fade a bit until 2010.  My older brother, the one who almost died first, was undergoing some ongoing health issues.  Our relationship had never quite recovered, but I was trying.  I thought things were looking up.  And we were almost out of July - when he suddenly slammed the whole family with news.  News that he had betrayed us, lied to us and generally slapped us all in the face.

I’m going to be honest.  I broke a little.  For the first time I truly experienced rock bottom - or at least what it meant for me at that time.  But July, the whole month, was really poisoned for me then.  Not just the beginning, but the whole month.  July 27, 2010 clenched it.  I haven’t been able to turn back since.  But I’m still trying, even now, to redeem July and hope something truly wonderful will happen that begins to counter all the memories of the pain with the memories of good.

The one bright spot I always had in July, even with all the pain, was San Diego Comic-Con.  I loved going there, once a year and feeling like I did have a corner in the world - town where everyone was like me.  It helped.  But this year I don’t have that.  I can’t go.  I don’t have tickets and couldn’t afford it any way.

So yesterday I went to San Diego to try to get through July 3 and I decided to make a wish.  It’s more of a promise and a prayer than a wish, but I made it.  And I can only hope that God will be faithful and one day I will love the month of July again.

I’ve resigned myself to the fact that some wounds never heal.  They scar over.  Just like if a limb were severed, they have phantom pains.

The pains are unpredictable.  I never know when they are coming.  But when they do they remind me of the pain I first felt.  

Pain is like that.  Even when the feeling is gone from the body, it stays in the memory.

July 27 - A Year Later

A lot can happen in a year.  The last year of my life proves that.  Today is the marker of the end of a year I never expected, a year I never wanted.  But they say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and I think I finally understand that.  God has definitely made me stronger in the last year.

I’ve suffered from great pain and a terrible loss in the past 365 days, but I’ve also started on the path to becoming someone that I really love being.  I cannot say enough how wonderful it’s been to realize how much my friends love me, an unconditional kind of love, and how much I finally feel like an artist.  The people that supported, nurtured and just loved me since last July know who they are and I cannot live my life without them.  The people in your life, the people that make you you are invaluable.

I don’t know how God is going to get me where I’m going, or exactly what is ahead, but I am excited.  I am excited to continue discovering my voice as an artist and I am waiting for my new season to come.

I wait for the day that I can celebrate something that happens on July 27 instead of dreading it’s arrival.  I know that day will come.

(via marieiv)