I sat down at the table. The mood was palpable, heavy. One of those moods that felt like could be dug at with a spoon. I didn’t know why it was like that. I didn’t know why I’d been called downstairs.
My parents seemed still and stiff. They were staring at me too hard.
I looked to my older brother, sitting across the table from me. Misery radiated from him. It was a strange shift from earlier - he’d sat at dinner like he didn’t have a care in the world. I felt like this was a big moment, one that would stand out - but I didn’t know why.
That’s when I noticed his hand. His left hand. The ring finger was encircled with something that hadn’t been there earlier - a plain gold band. An unoffensive ring that was offensive in it’s presence. A ring that changed everything.
Everything felt like it was starting to crack underneath me. I had been pushed. I was falling and I couldn’t stop.
He began to speak, but his lips didn’t seem to match the words I was hearing. He said he got married, that he’d been married for two weeks. He told me I was an aunt. He told me I had a sister. He told me I was his best friend.
I told him to stop talking.
I asked him why he didn’t tell his best friend he was dating someone. I asked him why he didn’t tell his best friend he got married.
He told me he kept secrets because he loved me.
I’ve resigned myself to the fact that some wounds never heal. They scar over. Just like if a limb were severed, they have phantom pains.
The pains are unpredictable. I never know when they are coming. But when they do they remind me of the pain I first felt.
Pain is like that. Even when the feeling is gone from the body, it stays in the memory.
July 27 - A Year Later
A lot can happen in a year. The last year of my life proves that. Today is the marker of the end of a year I never expected, a year I never wanted. But they say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and I think I finally understand that. God has definitely made me stronger in the last year.
I’ve suffered from great pain and a terrible loss in the past 365 days, but I’ve also started on the path to becoming someone that I really love being. I cannot say enough how wonderful it’s been to realize how much my friends love me, an unconditional kind of love, and how much I finally feel like an artist. The people that supported, nurtured and just loved me since last July know who they are and I cannot live my life without them. The people in your life, the people that make you you are invaluable.
I don’t know how God is going to get me where I’m going, or exactly what is ahead, but I am excited. I am excited to continue discovering my voice as an artist and I am waiting for my new season to come.
I wait for the day that I can celebrate something that happens on July 27 instead of dreading it’s arrival. I know that day will come.
July 27 part 2
Tuesday was an interesting night. It was my first day back at work after my vacation with my brother. It was the day I found out I had a sister-in-law and was an aunt.
My brother revealed that on July 16th he’d gotten married.
He’d kept it a secret from us for almost two weeks.
I don’t know how to process this yet.
I support the marriage because they are my family and because I want the best for them all. Yet so far I have been unable to turn this feeling of being lied to into anything positive.
I am working on it.
I don’t know when it will happen.
On Tuesday I recieved news that is some of the most confusing that I’ve ever recieved, delivered to me in one of the most hurtful ways possible. I’ve seen been derided and belittled for having my emotional response, a response that I am working towards changing for the positive, but I know because of the way I work it will take time, introspection and God. I know God is and will be working in this and working in me, but I cannot tell yet for what means or what I am feeling is from God and what is not.
From God or not, I have never felt so desprate to begin my directing career or so sure that it will never happen.
I don’t know if these feelings stem out of the emotional turmoil I’ve been experiencing since Tuesday and are valid, or if they are a way of something not from God gaining a foothold in my existing artistic doubts about my talent and place in God’s great plan.
Simply put, I am hurt and confused.
Someone that I have a weakspot for trusting hurt me again in the name of “protecting” and “respecting” me. I am angry at myself for knowing this is part of who he is and yet somehow continually letting him affect me this way and I am upset that he would continue to do this.
I know there are no easy answers in life, and thank my lucky stars that God is in control, but right now none of that takes away from the fact that I feel extinguished, confused and stuck in freefall.