I’ve been trying to figure out how to put down these thoughts in a post, but no spark of inspiration would come. So after weeks of procrastination I decided to just start typing. That’s how to start things anyway, right?
The past month or so has not exactly been easy for me. I am in a stage of my life where everything around me seems to be changing, and as excited as I am to see these changes, it also smacks me in the head and reminds me that there are things I don’t have. To put it bluntly, my closest friends and I have been single together for a very long time and in the past year several of my friends have entered into relationships with men I adore, and who are going to become a permanent fixture in their lives. It’s amazing, and seeing how happy they are is an absolute gift. But this isn’t a post about being single. I may not particularly want to be single, but I’ve never been as driven to be in a relationship as I have been driven in other areas in my life. Watching my friends progress has naturally made me wonder what is happening in my life.
Almost a year and a half ago, I decided I needed to take the leap, and leave a job that was making me unhealthy. I felt the absolute push from God to commit to creativity, my identity as an artist and filmmaker, and work at getting the movie I’d been writing made. I’ve spent this time writing and pursuing every avenue I know how to get my little film made, my first as writer-director.
This has not been easy. I’ve got a screenplay I’m truly proud of. I think Point B would be an excellent film, and I could direct it well if given the chance. Yet no progress has been made. I’ve prayed, challenged everything I would normally do, gone with and against my instincts and still I’m at square one. I cannot get my movie made. And I am exhausted.
For weeks now I’ve spent more hours than I want to recount praying about what to do. I’ve considered giving up. I’ve tried to tell myself that perhaps a lack of doors opening is a sign that I’ve got everything I thought about myself wrong. But I can’t walk away. Every time I seem to be on the verge of making the decision to stop I’m hit anew with the utter urgency that I need to make Point B - I need to be a filmmaker. It doesn’t make sense to me. How can I want something so badly, feel so meant to do it, and yet have absolutely no means in which to make progress?
The point is that I need to make progress. What I want is to stop working retail, I want to shoot Point B in the next few months, I want to have it as a completed film by the end of 2014 - I want to live the life I’ve imagined and stop imagining it.
I’m watching my friends walk through new doors in their lives. I want to do the same. It’s just frustrating having no idea what to do, to feel that I have no idea what to do next.
So that’s my ramble for tonight. I’m not sure it flowed out of my head the way that it should have, but after all these weeks, it needed to come out. I need the next step to come. I need to make Point B and I need a way to do it.
I’m currently going through a bout of “what the heck am I doing with my life?” I hope that it passes soon. I just really don’t know what the next step is and just about everything seems improbable, if not down right impossible.
I’m praying and I’m trying to hold everything with an open hand, but all I keep thinking is “I just want to make my movie” over and over again. But I’m absolutely no closer to getting my movie made today than I was months ago. When I think about it too hard it’s infuriating.
I’m praying for God to move and something to happen. I just hope I don’t miss whatever I am given.