I’ve been trying to figure out how to put down these thoughts in a post, but no spark of inspiration would come. So after weeks of procrastination I decided to just start typing. That’s how to start things anyway, right?
The past month or so has not exactly been easy for me. I am in a stage of my life where everything around me seems to be changing, and as excited as I am to see these changes, it also smacks me in the head and reminds me that there are things I don’t have. To put it bluntly, my closest friends and I have been single together for a very long time and in the past year several of my friends have entered into relationships with men I adore, and who are going to become a permanent fixture in their lives. It’s amazing, and seeing how happy they are is an absolute gift. But this isn’t a post about being single. I may not particularly want to be single, but I’ve never been as driven to be in a relationship as I have been driven in other areas in my life. Watching my friends progress has naturally made me wonder what is happening in my life.
Almost a year and a half ago, I decided I needed to take the leap, and leave a job that was making me unhealthy. I felt the absolute push from God to commit to creativity, my identity as an artist and filmmaker, and work at getting the movie I’d been writing made. I’ve spent this time writing and pursuing every avenue I know how to get my little film made, my first as writer-director.
This has not been easy. I’ve got a screenplay I’m truly proud of. I think Point B would be an excellent film, and I could direct it well if given the chance. Yet no progress has been made. I’ve prayed, challenged everything I would normally do, gone with and against my instincts and still I’m at square one. I cannot get my movie made. And I am exhausted.
For weeks now I’ve spent more hours than I want to recount praying about what to do. I’ve considered giving up. I’ve tried to tell myself that perhaps a lack of doors opening is a sign that I’ve got everything I thought about myself wrong. But I can’t walk away. Every time I seem to be on the verge of making the decision to stop I’m hit anew with the utter urgency that I need to make Point B - I need to be a filmmaker. It doesn’t make sense to me. How can I want something so badly, feel so meant to do it, and yet have absolutely no means in which to make progress?
The point is that I need to make progress. What I want is to stop working retail, I want to shoot Point B in the next few months, I want to have it as a completed film by the end of 2014 - I want to live the life I’ve imagined and stop imagining it.
I’m watching my friends walk through new doors in their lives. I want to do the same. It’s just frustrating having no idea what to do, to feel that I have no idea what to do next.
So that’s my ramble for tonight. I’m not sure it flowed out of my head the way that it should have, but after all these weeks, it needed to come out. I need the next step to come. I need to make Point B and I need a way to do it.
I’m currently going through a bout of “what the heck am I doing with my life?” I hope that it passes soon. I just really don’t know what the next step is and just about everything seems improbable, if not down right impossible.
I’m praying and I’m trying to hold everything with an open hand, but all I keep thinking is “I just want to make my movie” over and over again. But I’m absolutely no closer to getting my movie made today than I was months ago. When I think about it too hard it’s infuriating.
I’m praying for God to move and something to happen. I just hope I don’t miss whatever I am given.
There’s a lot of life that alludes me. Like so many kids, I used to think that when I grew up life would become illuminated and I’d understand it all; like so many adults I now know that isn’t true. When you’re young, you don’t have many choices that are all your own: clothing, maybe but nothing your parents don’t like, your parents choose your meals, your schools, and occasionally even your boyfriends and girlfriends. As soon as you get old enough to start making your own decisions, and to fully fund them, a level of confusion comes in that most of us just aren’t prepared for. I know I wasn’t.
Lately, I’ve felt like I don’t know up from down. I’ve spent a great deal of time in prayer because of this, and I’ve had to admit that I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.
I’ve been laboring over a screenplay for years, I’ve pursued every course of action that I know how to pursue to get even the first steps of getting my movie made and I still just have a screenplay.
I want a movie. I want to finally say I am a writer-director with confidence.
So I prayed. A lot. I fasted. I asked God what to do. I asked if I should give up. I asked for an opportunity. I listened. And for the most part I was met with silence…and one little phrase: “keep doing what you’re doing”.
I do believe God is working, even when I can’t see it, or like this last month, when I am met with silence. I’m just getting tired.
My choices have led me here, and even though I am confident in every one of them I am still confused and that feeling is not going away. If God was telling me to keep up what I’ve been doing, I’m confused because it doesn’t feel like this leads anywhere. I’m barely supporting myself on a part-time job and the thought of directing a movie and having a viable film career seem more like fantasy than a possible reality. Yet the thought of stopping, not continuing down this road leaves me with a horrible knot in my stomach that feels like a lifetime of boredom, unease and regret - even if I get good paychecks, weekends off and things to call my own.
So here I stand confused, but I’m making decisions. I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing. I know I’m not in this alone, and that I can’t know what lies ahead of me. But maybe, just maybe, slow and steady wins the race.
Peoples. Retail. That is all I have to say about how tired I am. Retail.
Trying to balance a creative life, life and work is hard. It’s draining. It’s exhausting. But I know it’s worth it.
I keep reminding myself that anything worth having is hard, and the fact that it’s worth having means it’s worth the work I have to put into it. So even though I’m lacking sleep, the hours to actually do everything I’m coming up with, and the tools to see some of the ideas through - I keep pushing myself to do what I can, whenever I can. Eventually there will be a pay off. I don’t know what that will look like, but I trust there will be one.
And now that I’m on the verge of waxing philosophically, I’m going to bed.